Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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