I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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