She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
