You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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