Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Randomize
