i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
