bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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