Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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