For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
