Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
