if you like me you must not know who I am
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
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