I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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