do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
