i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
