she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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