smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
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