My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
my poor anus
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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