the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
