oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
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