I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
