I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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