it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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