so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
