I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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