My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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