the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
