508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Randomize
