wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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