No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
