I need to stop coming to work sober
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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