Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
