I wish my penis had an off switch
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
