he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
