You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
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I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
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I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.