First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.