; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
