it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
the day after is always just damage control
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
