I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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