stop calling my apartment porn island.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
