in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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