so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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