I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
