at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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