You just made me feel so damn special
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
