I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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