cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
