I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
