He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
