Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
