New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
