so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
