please come you make the beer taste better
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had