At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
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she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
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I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question