So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
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I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
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So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.