u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
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Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
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im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number