last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.