I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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