my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
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