i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
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