I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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