how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
