The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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