I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
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