or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
You are the jesus of drinking
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
