I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
His nipple licking is glorious
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