I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
