my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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