we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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