Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
