I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
